Aftermath

All the filming and recording is finished and i feel better. Editing the film was difficult emotionally due to the fact of hearing my voice and what i was saying. So for a good 6 hours i was left alone with my self dealing with memory.  It is hard for me to watch it despite how many times i have seen the video. I am thinking of actually sending it to both my mom and my ex to show them how i feel. I dunno what the reaction will be even if my mother will understand what is going on due to her alcoholism. The video is beginning to act like a wall. I know when i move out some time, i will have that video and it will remind me of the past. I have to live through what has happened now in these walls. I cant escape them now and even when i am out i will still carry them around me.

The Walls

The events of my mother along with my ex have all happened inside the same apartment. I really dont know why I still stay here. I guess at first it had to do with the financial issue and finding a place and time matching up.  It just got prolonged over and over again. I thought maybe after the restraining order and her stalking the house that would press me and my dad out of the apartment.

And for my ex, she made this place such a better place. I got new memories of all the good times. They seem to overlap over all the places where the bad things happen. Now shes gone and these good memories cause pain. Its a double dose now in the apartment and its scary when i think about it. I really need to get out of this place soon.

Musical things

Dealing with this break up, i have found an album that just seems to speak to me.  The Black Keys are always great just this one album has a track for all the emotions i have been feeling.

And pretty much every other track from that album. I guess it helps in some way. I just feel im not alone in what i feel and that there are others who have felt what i felt so it gives this weird break from reality for me. 

Script

The Final Script for the Monologue.

text will be in subtitles and/or notes on walls.

The walls around me,

Marked by what they have witnessed.

They saw and heard us.

You left me but your still here.

It was for the best.

They remind me of what you’ve given,

And what I lost.

I can’t escape this conversation.

It doesn’t matter how long it’s been.

You are woven in my rooms.

It’s been so long but they make sure to remind me.

It starts as a leak but I begin to drown.

I can’t seal my eyes like you did.

Every day I reached out to you.

But it pushed you further away each time.

Will you ever see?

I felt life because of you,

But you left me with this burden.

She had to leave.

I hear the echo of it shattering into pieces.

It’s been told and written to you over and over why you had to go.

But it can never be what it should, they said.

Yet they remind me of the good.

You might never see.

And maybe I will become part of your walls,

But in here I remain.

I wait for the moment that might never arrive,

Maybe it can be,

Here inside these walls of mine. 

Footage

Put aside the sound track to this video as well as all the little affects, it is more along the lines of the way i want to shoot the film. I don't want it though to be intense camera shaking like the blair witch project.  I want it to be done to a point that it feels like like a human presence on the camera but not turn into a huge amateur shot where the camera is flying around in my hand.  The viewer should see it as something independent from the pop culture references related to an unstable camera.  I want to convey that feeling of when you stand and zone out a bit and really are unaware that your body is not completely stagnate. I think it will also give the walls more character how it is not just clean shots of my walls and feels as if I am conversing with them.

Footage reference

I stumbled upon this video of just location and it is something along the lines of what i want to do in my video. I enjoy the mood and the fact that there is not much given to the viewer about where this place is, who it belonged too and what transpired.  Mine is going to be different with the monologue over it. I don't think i will do that steady movement like in this video. I will have it being held and basically let it happen for the most part.

Movie Scene

Ive decided where exactly i will be shooting footage. There are moments i have inside my apartment where i tend to stand and zone out creating a break from reality. I will probably use the cannon camera to get a decent quality shot and hold it in my hands as a i stare giving a presence in the video. I will not be shown at all in the video and there will also be no people being shown in the most direct manner.  In terms of sequence, they will be mixed up due to the fact these moments are unplanned and happen anywhere for any reason. It is never the same thought for the same place.

Drinking Signs

I am thinking about presenting some of these signs to the audience in a subtle way. I am leaning toward possibly having little audio bits of phrases that suggest a few of the signs. For example getting defensive when people comment on drinking could be translated to just "Its only one more glass, calm down for fuck sakes".  Having lines like that suggest the alcohol as well as hostility and revealing who the character is even though it will be voiced by my self.

Crime Scene Locations

I have always been interested with feeling that lingers in places where really bad things have happened. For the most part even though they cleaned up after the incident and also changed the furniture, the wall color, carpets, etc The thought and feeling is still there. Its weird because it could be something that happened so long ago but is felt by strangers. Now it is a different thing all together when the victim returns to this scene or has to live in the space it occupies. Sure they change everything but from time to time emotions are felt from the past.  With what happened with my mother, I get moments where i look at my couch where she used to sit and it hits me again. It lingers in my mind in the form of audio as I stand and stare. Its that moment of the day where every thing else going on stops. It feels the world stops spinning in that moment. It is living with a scar and remembering how you got it despite it almost being unnoticeable. I have not spoken to her in years but she speaks to me with these halts in time.

An Audio Thought

I am really interested with the overall mood. The key thing that sticks out for me is the audio and how it can make a simple shot so off putting.  The beginning especially relates to what I'm thinking about for my project. This chatter that is not clear that sounds like a swarm of noise. I am also looking at the way it begins to rise as it continues to play but most importantly how it comes to a sudden stop. It might be an idea to appropriate this method to my video.